This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
