we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
