Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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