Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
