Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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