my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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