Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
