Cold hands, warm shart.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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