I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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