she looked like the before picture.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
