life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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