my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
