i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
