If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
