Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
