He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
