they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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