the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You left your underwear on the fireplace
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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