He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
