How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
