Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
