woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
