Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
