my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Terrible idea I love it
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
