Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
