please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
