i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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