I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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