Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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