i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
