If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize