All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
