this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
