When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize