shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
