I wish I could punch you in the face.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
