So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I looked at my own cervix.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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