yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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