We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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