I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
