No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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