I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
