What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
