someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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