Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's blow job season.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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