No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My dick has a subreddit
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
