sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
it was like eating out sand paper
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
