why didn't you poke me back
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
there is puke in my bra ... again
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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