Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
