this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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