u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
