Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
