Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
