I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
