Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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